Self-expression in the age of inundation
Welp. This one is relatively self-explanatory, I think. Closets can be fraught places. I’m trying to make mine more fun.
Between learning to knit, feeling settled in my identity, and just enjoying shape, color, and form, I want to be more active in creating and curating a closet that I love to play in.
Although I’ve never been quite brave enough to call myself fashionable, I’ve always been interested in clothes and fashion. I like to dress up from time to time, and I do care about what’s in my closet. I like choosing outfits and planning what I’ll wear. Like many femmes, in lieu of some kind of armor, I’ve had how I present to the world.
It’s an opportunity for expression and fun, and also for self-care. It’s a chance to embrace myself for all my blurting, my awkwardness, my silliness, my charms and faults.
Materials
When I started knitting, I quickly realized that most of my existing clothes were made of polyester. I read a comment somewhere that said, polyester simultaneously makes me feel chilled and too hot because it traps moisture. This is a comment I could not unsee.
In an age of microplastics and fast fashion, I’d like to reduce my reliability on polyester. It has its applications of course in sportswear and other fabrics, but does a sweater or tee need to be plastic? Can’t a dress be silk, cotton, wool?
I always dismissed this as a matter of fanciness—natural fabrics are more expensive, harder to care for. While I’m doing a lot more hand washing now (my hand knits never see the inside of the washing machine), I’m noticing even the priciest dresses are often needlessly made of plastic based synthetics.
These are all of my handknit heavy sweaters to date. Seeing them all together is exciting. As it is basically summer in my locale, I am putting these away to protect them from moths, and to attempt to be organized.
Fit
Note: I will discuss ED and body image here. Skip to the next section if you like.
I teeter on the edge of extreme body dysmorphia. I couldn’t tell you if I’m overweight or not, and I’ve decided it’s not really my business. Turns out you can live healthily while being neutral to how your body presents, so I endeavor to do that.
I have bought so many garments that just fit weirdly, whether by the cut, or because I bought a weird size. Too big, because it seemed impossible my body could fit into a smaller size. Too small, because I didn’t want to see a higher number on the tag.
Making clothes means I can shape garments to my body. It fits or it doesn’t. There’s not a rubric or underlying fraught morality, there’s just a number of stitches per inch, and the reality of inches. No more being uncomfortable!
Purpose
An exercise that really helped me was to literally chart out where I am at any point of the day, and to create a proportion of what kind of clothes I need. I was surprised to understand that I need so many casual clothes, after working in business settings so long.
This is the proportion I found:
- Sleep: 33%
- Casual gremlin: 50%
- Polished: 15%
- Formal: 2%
I spend most of my days at home. The proportion of clothes I need in any category needs to match my lifestyle—that is, running around with my family, cleaning, working at my computer, chauffering kids. Sometimes I absolutely want that showstopper outfit. I only really need like six of them, though. And, I need to allow myself to have comfy, non-slubby clothes for home days. I can look a little cute, even if I’m trying to be a gremlin in my house.
Mental load
After all is said and done, I need to have a closet that makes me feel empowered. I need to only have things I adore in my closet. Over the years I’ve become pretty good at not buying things if I’m unsure of their longevity. There’s still more work to do in curating and mindfully creating garments that fill gaps.
What next?
I’d really like to have a better idea of what I have, and encourage a more playful yet cohesive approach. I plan to continue making special garments, perhaps picking up sewing (though I hate ironing), and replacing basics as they wear out. Here’s to hoping I can catalog this here in a way that makes sense.